Speaking to someone directly.
WHY IT MATTERS
Most conflict is resolved or prevented by one conversation nobody wanted to have.
WHAT STOPS PEOPLE HAVING IT
Discomfort Fear of the reaction Uncertainty about what to say Hope that it will resolve itself
WHAT TO PREPARE
What specifically you want to raise The evidence, in observable terms What you want to change What you are prepared to hear
WHY OBSERVABLE TERMS
Descriptions of behaviour cannot be disputed; characterisations always are.
WHAT THAT MEANS
Describe what happened, not what you concluded about the person.
WHERE TO HOLD IT
Privately, without interruption.
WHEN
Soon after, but not while either party is angry.
HOW TO OPEN IT
State the purpose directly.
WHY NOT INDIRECTLY
Prolonged preamble increases anxiety and obscures the point.
WHAT TO AVOID
Opening with praise before criticism Raising several issues at once Speaking for others Saying everyone thinks this
WHY THAT LAST POINT
It is unanswerable and it is experienced as an ambush.
WHAT TO DO AFTER STATING IT
Stop, and listen.
WHY
The response frequently contains information that changes the matter.
WHAT TO ASK
How they see it.
WHAT TO BE PREPARED FOR
Disagreement Emotion Information you did not have
WHAT TO DO ABOUT EMOTION
Allow it, and continue when it settles.
WHAT TO AGREE
What changes, specifically, and by when.
WHAT TO DO AFTERWARDS
Confirm what was agreed, and follow up.
