Saying what needs saying.
WHY IT IS AVOIDED
It is uncomfortable, and the discomfort is immediate while the cost of silence is deferred.
WHAT SILENCE COSTS
The behaviour continues Others notice it is tolerated The person is denied the chance to change It becomes harder to raise later
WHAT TO PREPARE
Specific examples The effect the behaviour had What you are asking for
WHY SPECIFIC EXAMPLES
General characterisations are disputed; specific instances are not.
WHAT TO AVOID
Absolute words: always, never
Characterising the person rather than the behaviour Raising several issues at once Secondhand accounts presented as fact
WHAT STRUCTURE WORKS
What you observed What effect it had What you are asking for
WHERE TO DO IT
Privately, always.
WHEN
Close to the event.
WHAT TO DO AFTER SPEAKING
Stop, and listen.
WHY
Their account may change yours, and being heard is what makes change possible.
WHAT TO DO IF THEY BECOME DEFENSIVE
Acknowledge it, and return to the specific example.
WHAT TO AGREE
What will be different, and how you will both know.
WHAT TO DO AFTERWARDS
Notice improvement, and say so.
WHY
Feedback with no acknowledgement of change teaches that only failure is noticed.
WHAT TO RECORD
Anything that may become formal.
