Discussions people avoid.
WHAT THEY COVER
Performance Disagreement about direction Money Behaviour Ending a relationship
WHAT AVOIDANCE COSTS
The problem growing Resentment Surprise, when it finally arrives
WHAT TO DO BEFORE
Establish what outcome you want.
WHY
Without it, the conversation becomes about feelings alone.
WHAT TO PREPARE
The facts Specific examples What you are asking for
WHY SPECIFIC EXAMPLES
General characterisations are disputed; specific instances are not.
WHAT TO OPEN WITH
The subject, plainly.
WHY NOT SOFTEN EXTENSIVELY
The other person spends the preamble anxious, and may miss the point.
WHAT TO SAY
What you observed What effect it had What you are asking for
WHAT TO AVOID
Characterising the person rather than the behaviour
Absolute words: always, never
Raising several issues at once
WHAT TO DO AFTER SPEAKING
Stop, and listen.
WHY
Their account may change yours.
WHAT TO DO IF IT BECOMES HEATED
Pause it, and resume later.
WHAT TO DO AT THE END
Agree what happens next.
WHAT TO DO AFTERWARDS
Record it briefly, particularly for performance matters.
WHY
Recollection differs.
